


feeling so defenseless

by 5seconds_of_jessica



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Cutting, Depression, Lashton - Freeform, M/M, idek
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-02-11
Updated: 2014-08-13
Packaged: 2018-01-12 00:01:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 14,798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1179510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/5seconds_of_jessica/pseuds/5seconds_of_jessica
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Luke can't be more excited about going to college but when the very first person he meets ends up hating him, he doesn't have very high hopes for the year. However, they're forced together and Luke has to come to terms with the fact that not everyone is an open book.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. so tell me, what else can i do?

**Author's Note:**

> this is my very first fanfic so be gentle kay?? i have a never ending love for lashton so yes. enjoy.
> 
> i suck at summaries and all mistakes are mine. i have a few more chapters written already but i wanted to see what people thought before i posted more. xoxo

It’s finally here, Luke is finally a college student and he’s super, super...nervous. Maybe he’s a little bit excited but the knots in his stomach are dominating his senses and making him freak out a little bit. Standing in front of his future dorm, his eyes glance up and take in the huge campus looming all around him. He went to a small school before and this...this isn’t a small school and he’s wondering if maybe he’s making a mistake. To add to his nerves, his mom isn’t here yet with all of his stuff and Luke begins to pace nervously, sending texts left and right to his mother. Just as he’s hitting send on the last message, he collides into something. Or rather, someone. 

His blue eyes flash up immediately and are met with a beautiful hazel before the shining eyes are gone, glancing down. That’s when Luke realizes there was a crash and he looks down at the concrete. Laying there is a laptop, bits and pieces of it littered on the ground. 

“Fucking hell.” The other boy swears, Luke’s head snapping straight up again as the other boy begins to carefully set his stuff down and grab at the laptop. In Luke’s defense, the boy shouldn’t have been carrying so many things at one time but Luke doesn’t feel like it’s his place to comment on that. 

“I am so, so sorry. Is it okay? I’ll pay for another one, I swear.” But as soon as the words leave Luke’s mouth, he knows he really doesn’t have the money to pay for a laptop. His own laptop is shitty as is and he thinks he’s going to be able to buy this hazel-eyed, blonde curly-haired boy a computer? Not a chance. 

“No it’s not, just forget it.” The other boy replies shaking his head as he re-gathers his things but Luke can hear the tension in his voice. “I’m sorry!” Luke creaks out again but the other boy just gives him a glare before disappearing into the dorm. 

He doesn’t have a long time to think about his terrible failure with the very first person he’s met on campus because his mom is rushing up behind him, apologizing for being late but Luke can’t even bring himself to care. 

\------

When Luke finally manages to get his mother to leave after he promises to call a couple times a week, he trudges his stuff up to the dorm room number and is happy to find it open because really, his hands are a little full at the moment. Though, it would serve him right to drop and break something of his own. He throws his stuff in the corner of the room that looks unoccupied with a huff before finally bringing his head up to look at the boy sitting on the other bed, looking at Luke with a small smile. The first thing Luke notices is the boy’s hair, colored in a backward skunk kind of way. His hair is blondish-white on the sides with a black streak in the middle. Luke smiles to himself thinking that with this boy’s hair and Luke’s new lip piercing, they look like quite the pair and he likes that. 

“Hey, I’m Michael.” The other boy states, his smile growing wider as he takes in Luke. Luke hopes that smile is one of satisfaction, feeling as if they’ll get along. “Luke.” Luke responds, going over to shake Michael’s hand.

The two spend the few hours before orientation getting to know each other. Michael tells Luke that he’s a sophomore, he’s in a band with two of his best friend’s, he plays the guitar, and that he colors his hair almost every other week. Luke smiles, pretty much stuck on the band part as he tells Michael that he likes to sing and play guitar but only really does it by himself. Michael ends up chuckling when Luke nervously admits he’s a freshman but tells him he’ll be fine. Overall, Luke is excited about his new roommate and hopes things go as smoothly for the rest of the year. Though with the start he’s had, he’s not sure he’s lucky enough for that. 

\----

Although Luke still feels bad about what happened on his first day, he replays his mom’s advice to just let it go. “After all,” she had said with a smile, “this is a huge campus, sweetie. You’ll probably never see him again.” But oh god, how wrong she had been. Luke feels like he sees his blond curly hair everywhere that he looks. Sometimes, at least he thinks, it’s just someone that happens to look like him. But most of the time, he can see the hazel eyes flickering past him as if looking right through him. Luke tries to smile when he catches the other boy’s eyes but it doesn’t seem to make a difference. Luke tries to chalk it up to the fact that maybe the other boy has just forgotten about the accident and doesn’t even remember Luke, but sometimes, rarely, Luke catches a flicker in the boy’s eye that he doesn’t quite understand. 

Other than his constant sightings of the boy who hates him, Luke’s first few weeks are pretty uneventful. What’s really upsetting is that Luke found out Michael has class during his lunch break so for the unforeseeable future, Luke is stuck eating alone. 

Today, however, a blonde boy with a bright smile comes up to him and sits down. Luke thinks he looks vaguely familiar but can’t really place him. “Luke right? I’m Niall, from music appreciation?” and with that, Luke smiles wide and nods his head, yes he remembers this boy. They sit next to each other and he seems rather friendly though he’s still taken aback by this boy’s random appearance. “Not to sound weird or anything,” Niall continues, “but I saw a kind of worried look in your eyes earlier today when the professor mentioned the partner project.” 

Luke chuckles a bit and nods his head once more. “Yeah, I don’t really know anyone here and definitely not in that class so.” he shrugs his shoulders, not really sure where he’s going with his statement. Niall licks his lips and then smiles at Luke. “Same really, none of my friends are in the class. So I was wondering if you want to be partners?” Luke doesn’t know why it makes him so insanely happy that this boy, Niall, just randomly came up to him and asked to be partners but it does. 

“Yeah sure, of course!” he responds, his smile only growing brighter. But just as he answers, he catches a familiar sight and he looks a little past Niall to see the hazel eyes and curly hair walking right toward them. He feels his breath catch in his throat a little bit because wow, this boy is very attractive and Luke doesn’t know why he’s just figuring this out considering he feels like he sees him everywhere. Luke’s expecting the familiar lack of acknowledgment on the other boy’s part but Luke’s heart starts hammering out of his chest when the boy gets close and his eyes are glaring intensely at Niall before switching between him and Luke. Luke furrows his eyebrows but the other boy quickly averts his gaze and continues to walk past. 

“What was that about?” Niall asks, biting into his food. And that’s a damn good question because Luke has no idea. 

“Do you know him?” Luke asks suddenly, dying to know why he had given Niall such an intense look. Niall looks behind Luke, taking another bite of his sandwich and then shaking his head. “Nope.” He replies with his mouth full. 

Luke rubs at his face in a frustrated manner before chewing on his lip ring. “Is it possible to hate someone you don’t really know?” He asks, trying to focus his gaze back on Niall instead of drifting off in his thoughts. 

“I mean I guess so. If they give you the wrong first impression. Why? Do you hate that guy?” Niall asks, looking over Luke’s shoulder once again but the blonde curly hair is nowhere to be seen. 

“No, but I think he hates me. I accidentally ran into him on my first day here and he dropped his laptop, I think I broke it. And ever since then, every time he looks at me it’s like he either doesn’t see me, or he wants to murder me on the spot.” Luke throws his hands up in frustration as he tries to figure out what he wants. Part of him wants to get to know this mysterious boy who keeps hanging around his life but another part of him never wants to look in those hazel eyes again. 

“Maybe try talking to him? What can it hurt?” Niall responds with a shrug. And Luke knows he’s right but with the boy’s strong arms and intimidating glare, Luke has a feeling that boy can do a whole lot of damage to him. 

\-----

Luke is laying absently on his bed a week after the whole weird lunch incident, strumming at his guitar and trying to relax. He sings along as he plays Teenage Dirtbag and he’s so engrossed in what he’s doing that he doesn’t even realize Michael has come back to the room until the older boy clears his throat. 

Luke pushes himself up and quickly puts the guitar down on the ground, feeling like a kid who just got caught taking a cookie from a cookie jar. Really, he did nothing wrong but he doesn’t honestly like playing in front of people. Michael smiles and sits down on Luke’s bed, picking up the guitar. “You’re really good.” Michael replies confidently, handing the guitar back to Luke. Suddenly, Michael jumps up and begins rummaging around his desk. A small yell of triumph escapes his mouth when he finally finds what he was looking for. “The band I was telling you about earlier, we’re looking for another guitarist and even a singer, you should audition.” 

Luke feels his body tense up but he grabs the flyer anyway, scanning over it. He doesn’t like performing in front of people but he does love music. And it will give him a chance to spend more time with Michael and maybe meet new people. Other than Michael and now Niall, Luke knows no one so maybe he needs to do this. Michael can sense the worry in the younger boy but also recognizes a hint of possibility in his bright blue eyes. “Just think about it.” Michael finally responds, plopping down on his own bed. 

And Luke does think about it. Long and hard before deciding yes, he will audition. 

\------

Luke doesn’t tell Michael about his decision but shows up at the audition anyway, his hands sweating profusely as he walks in the doors of the auditorium. He quickly wipes his hands on his black skinny jeans and makes his way down to the two boys in the front. Michael turns around to see who has just walked in and smiles brightly at the sight of his roommate. 

“Luke! You made it. This is Calum, he does most of the singing right now and he plays bass. Ashton is late as always but he’s our drummer.” 

The young blonde boy smiles and reaches his hand out to shake with Calum, glad that he had wiped his hands on his pants. “It’s nice to meet you. Michael doesn’t shut up about you guys.” Luke replies with a teasing grin in Michael’s direction who just rolls his eyes and pushes Luke in the direction of the stage. 

“What’re you singing?” Calum asks, taking a seat in the front row. 

Luke licks his lips and fiddles with his guitar to make sure it’s in tune before looking up. “I Miss You by Blink 182.” He responds, a small smile escaping when he see’s Calum and Michael’s eyes go wide in approval. 

It takes Luke a few minutes to get comfortable and his voice is a little small but by the time he get’s to the second verse, he’s so into it and he can see the gleam in the other two boys’ eyes when he looks up every once in a while. 

_Where are you,_  
 _and I'm so sorry,_  
 _I cannot sleep, I cannot dream tonight._  
 _I need somebody and always,_  
 _this sick strange darkness,_  
 _comes creeping on so haunting every time._  
 _As I stared I counted,_  
 _the webs from all the spiders,_  
 _catching things and eating their insides._  
 _Like indecision to call you,_  
 _and hear your voice of treason,_  
 _will you come home and stop this pain tonight?_  
 _Stop this pain tonight._

He finishes out the song just as he hears Michael’s voice. “ASHTON it’s about fucking time you got here.” Luke eye’s glance up to see who the mysterious drummer is and he feels like he’s about to pass out right there on stage. Ashton's eyes are locked on him despite the fact that Michael and Calum are talking to him. 

“How long were you standing there Ash? He’s really good.” Calum says with a pleased smile, Michael nodding his head in agreement. 

Luke can feel a lump forming in his throat because Ashton still hasn’t looked away and Luke is lost in his hazel eyes and can’t seem to pull away either. It’s Ashton who finally makes Luke break his eye contact because of the simple word, “No.” Ashton’s arms are crossed tightly around his chest and even though Luke shouldn’t, he can’t keep his eyes off of his biceps. 

“What?” Michael asks as if Ashton has spoken another language. 

“You heard me, absolutely not.” The two boys send an apologetic look up at Luke before pulling Ashton off to the side, Luke assumes to talk some sense into him because Luke knows he’s good. Knows he deserves a chance. He’s sitting quietly, fiddling with his fingers and looking down when he hears Ashton’s voice clear as day. 

“I don’t care if he’s your roommate or he plays like fucking Hendrix, I don’t want him in the band!” And with that, Luke’s heart shatters because now he knows for sure the curly haired boy with the hazel eyes hates him and he has no idea why.


	2. better off together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's chapter two! it starts right where one left off. i promise, it get's much better okay. as always, errors are mine. leave comments and stuff because it makes me happy (: enjoy

Luke feels so small in that moment and he really wishes he could just crawl up into a hole and disappear. He’s not good at playing in front of people but he feels like he did pretty well given that, but Ashton manages to come in and completely wreck him with a single word. He understands why Ashton might not be too fond of him but hate seems awfully strong given their one and only encounter. 

He keeps his eyes down and chews on his lip ring nervously. Calum and Michael are talking in a hush whisper but one glance up let’s Luke know that whatever they’re saying, it’s not convincing Ashton. Luke has no idea how two extremely cool guys like Cal and Mike could be best friend’s with Ashton, how they can deal with him on a constant basis because as far as the young blonde is concerned, he’s not exactly an agreeable person. 

Finally, Luke has had enough of being talked about as if he’s not there and he’s starting to have trouble with his breathing. It’s like his heart has lodged itself deep in his lungs and all he can hear is Ashton saying no, over and over again. “I’m gonna go.” He states, just loud enough to be heard as he hops off the stage and heads in the direction of the door. He can’t even walk straight because his mind is going a thousand different directions. When Michael had first mentioned auditioning, he hadn’t been all that into it. But by the time Luke had gotten up on the stage, he had decided that he really, really wanted this. And now he couldn’t have it. 

“Luke, just wait.” Michael yells toward him but it’s too late, Luke is heading out the door, trying to keep his breathing steady and the tears back that threaten to stream over his face. He hears the sound of someone jogging behind him and when he feels an arm around his shoulders, he assumes it’s Michael. Luke’s surprised to turn his head and see the tall and lanky brunette, Calum. 

“Hey, listen.” Calum says grabbing on to Luke’s shoulder to make him stop. Calum can see the confusion in Luke’s eyes and so he quickly looks back in the direction he came. “Michael is able to deal with Ashton better so I wanted to come make sure you were alright. You’re an amazing musician, I don’t know what’s going on with Ash but he’d be crazy not to let you join.” Luke feels a small weight being lifted off his shoulders but it’s not enough.

“He hates me.” Luke replies, his voice coming out weak. “I don’t know why, we only met one time but… but…” and he trails off unable to make eye contact with the brunette. Calum’s a bit confused because he doesn’t even know how the two know each other but hating someone doesn’t sound anything like the Ashton he knows. He doesn’t say anything though, not wanting to make Luke feel worse. “We’ll sort it out.” Calum replies offering him a small smile. 

Luke can’t even manage a fake smile back, he just shakes his head. “Don’t worry about it.” And with that, he sidesteps Calum and makes his way back to his dorm. 

\-----

Luke was never overly popular at school but he’s never had someone hate him before and it hurts. It hurts a lot, even more so now that it’s keeping him from getting what he wants. He doesn’t know how long he’s laying on the bed, wallowing in his own self pity and trying (but failing) to keep himself from crying, when he hears a knock on the door. It surprises him because really, who could that be? And then he figures it’s probably Michael who has forgotten his key once again. He hesitates, wiping at his face because he doesn’t want Michael to know that he’s been crying over something as trivial as not getting into a band because how pathetic does that look? He finally pushes himself off the bed and opens the door. 

“Why do you always-” but then Luke stops because it’s not Michael on the other side of the door. It really was the last person he expected to see as those hazel eyes look at him. Ashton. As soon as Ashton actually takes a look at Luke, Luke swears he can see his face soften a little bit before he regains himself and fixes Luke with the same blank stare the younger boy has grown accustomed to. 

“Band practice, tomorrow at noon in the auditorium. Be there on time or don’t bother showing up at all.” Ashton’s voice is cold and emotionless but Luke notices that the other boy can’t even look him in the eye anymore. 

“I don’t… I mean you don’t have to -” But he’s cut off almost instantly by Ashton. “Just be there.” And with that, he walks away, shaking his head slightly. Luke doesn’t know what to think or say even though he wants to scream after Ashton and ask him why he hates him so much, why he’s such a dick, but he doesn’t. He just closes the door and before he knows it, a small smile spreads over his face. Because fuck Ashton, he was in a band. 

\-----

Later that night, Luke makes his way to the library to meet up with Niall to work on their music appreciation project that neither of them really want to do but it’s an excuse to hang out so, they don’t mind. 

“Hey, Lukey!” Niall yells a little too loudly from a table which causes him to get a few glares from the people around him. Luke can’t help but to smile softly at the nickname that Niall has started to use. 

“Hey, mate.” He replies much quieter than Niall, taking a seat across from him. Niall raises his eyebrows a bit because he can tell that Luke’s a little happier than the last time they talked. He has a little more pep in his step and he seems to have a permanent smile attached to his face. 

“What’s up? Are you really that happy about working on this project?” Niall teases with a smirk on his face.

Luke chuckles softly and shakes his head. “Nah, I’m in a band now.” And he can’t stop a wide smile from growing on his face. 

“Wow that’s pretty awesome! I’m jealous.” The older blonde responds, Luke’s grin is contagious and Niall feels himself smiling back. 

“Yeah, it is.” But then Luke’s smile falters slightly and Niall gives him a questioning look, waiting for him to continue. “Remember that guy I mentioned the first time we talked?” Luke asks, and when he receives a nod from Niall, he continues on. “Well he’s the drummer and he’s definitely not too excited about having me.” Luke sighs as he starts to get his stuff out of his backpack. 

“Well.” Niall starts, tapping his chin as if he’s solving some great mystery of the world. “That guy’s a fucking idiot because you’re amazing.” As always, Niall’s voice is a little too loud as he reaches over and pats Luke’s hand encouragingly but Luke smiles at the compliment before he hears what appears to sound like a choking noise. He cranes his head around to see Ashton quickly packing up his things. What the hell? How had Luke not noticed him when he walked in and why was he acting like a freak? His smile fails when Ashton’s eyes meet his, his face unreadable. 

Niall turns to see what has captured Luke’s attention and Luke can see Ashton’s eyes flicker to Niall with even more distaste than he had shown Luke. Niall turns back and shakes his head. “You need to go talk to that guy and find out what the hell his problem is.” Luke’s eyes widen slightly when he brings them back to Niall because confrontation isn’t really his strong suit but Niall’s right, he needs to know what’s going on. 

“I’ll be right back.” Luke promises as he stands up and quickly follows in the direction Ashton had just left. He finally catches up with the older boy right outside the library and he grabs his shoulder, turning him around so they were face to face. 

“What is your problem with me?” Luke asks almost instantly, knowing that Ashton probably won’t hang around long enough for Luke to stutter through his questioning. 

“I don’t have a problem with you. I don’t even know you.” Ashton snaps back, pushing his golden locks out of his eyes. Actually, Ashton does have a problem but it goes much deeper than just Luke and he really doesn’t want to talk about it. 

“That’s bullshit.” His words come out much weaker now because there’s something about Ashton that makes it impossible for Luke to act like a normal, functioning teenage boy, and instead he acts like a scared little child. 

“Excuse me?” Ashton replies back, taking a step closer to Luke which makes Luke take a step back out of reflex. Apparently, Ashton finds that funny and smirks a bit because he doesn’t have control over his problem but he does have control over this situation. 

“I know I probably broke your laptop but that’s no reason for you to hold it against me forever. Glaring at me and Niall, not letting me in the band when you know I’m good, I don’t understand why you hate me.” Luke replies, realizing that even though he had taken a small step back, he is still very close to Ashton and it’s a little terrifying and a little exciting at the same time. Luke knows it’s extremely inappropriate but he can’t help glancing down at Ashton’s lips and wondering what it would be like to kiss him. Probably much better than the punch he feels like he’s about to receive because Ashton’s hands are slowly clenching into fists at his sides. 

Luke can see his jaw clenching right before he speaks. “What does it fucking matter? You’re in the band now, only because Michael wouldn’t shut the fuck up. So stop getting your panties in a bunch and thinking everything is about you.” and before Luke can get out another word, Ashton is hurrying away leaving a very confused Luke. 

\-----

Somehow, Luke and Niall had managed to get through some of their project after talking about Ashton for a good half hour. Neither could really decide what his problem was because they didn’t know him all that well. Not to mention, band practice the following morning had gone pretty well. If you consider the fact that Ashton didn’t say a word to Luke the entire time and instead just continued to glare at him whenever he messed up a bit, pretty good. Which Luke did. 

Luke had been working on homework at some point in the evening when Michael ran in and told him to get ready, that they were going out to celebrate for a great first band practice together and his roommate looked so excited that Luke couldn’t say no. 

So after showering and messing with his hair for a solid five minutes, Luke is ready to go. He’s wearing a pair of dark skinny jeans, a Nirvana t-shirt, a pair of old Vans, and a beanie he had found hidden with some of the things he had yet to unpack.

Just then, Michael walks into the room swinging an arm over Luke’s shoulder as they stare at their reflections in the mirror. “You look great, you ready?” Luke smiles and nods his head, his first night out as a college student and he can’t wait. “Calum and Ashton are meeting us at the party.” he adds as they make their way out of the dorm. Luke can feel his stomach drop considerably at the mention of Ashton’s name because really, Luke can think of a million people he would rather spend the night with but he’s hoping the party will be crowded enough that they can avoid each other.

\----

Well, Luke couldn’t have been more on the mark because the party is crazy. He’s surprised the cops haven’t been called or anything but he doesn’t complain, just continues to sip on his fourth beer of the night feeling every bit of the alcohol rushing through his body. He’s not usually a drinker but he’s caught sight of Ashton way too many times tonight, always dancing with a pretty girl and for some reason, it makes him mad. He doesn’t want to believe that what he’s feeling is jealousy because the guy’s a total jackass but in such a drunken state, Luke can’t stop himself from overthinking everything. 

He’s feeling better though because his head is perfectly clouded and he hasn’t seen the curly blonde in awhile now. Out of nowhere, he hears a slurred voice in his ear. “Where’s your little boyfriend?” Even with the alcohol, Luke can hear the unmistakable draw of Ashton’s voice and his body tenses. What the fuck? 

“I don’t have a boyfriend.” Luke mumbles, bringing the beer bottle back up to his lips as he feels a pair of huge hands wrap around his waist. Now he really doesn’t know what the fuck is going on because that can’t possibly be Ashton behind him. Luke spins around quickly to face him, feeling insanely light headed at his sudden movements and finds himself leaning on Ashton a bit for support. One look at the other boy’s face and Luke can tell that Ash is much, much more drunk than he is, but manages to keep them both up until Luke is steady again. 

“‘Course you do. That fucking blonde kid you’re always eating lunch with and hanging out with at the library. I saw the way he was holding your hand.” By this point, Ashton is pressed up against Luke, talking into his ear to be heard over the loud music and the group of people in the room. Luke almost wants to laugh because Niall’s not his boyfriend, not even close but he doesn’t want to make Ashton mad. But then, in his mostly drunken state, Luke decides he doesn’t care if Ashton is mad or not and he laughs. 

This has his desired effect on Ashton and his hazel eyes narrow a bit as he grips tighter to Luke’s waist. “Something funny?” He asks, his voice cold. But Luke also catches something else in Ashton’s eyes and if he wasn’t on his fourth beer, he might have been able to tell it was jealousy but he can’t and just ignores it.

“Yeah, since when do you care?” he asks, tipping the bottle back once again but it’s quickly ripped out of his hand and placed somewhere else. His eyes widen as he looks at Ashton who’s hazel eyes are suddenly dark. He’s waiting for Luke to say more but Luke doesn’t even remember the question. But then he does and he let’s out another small laugh. “He’s not my boyfriend.” He claims again and before he knows it, one of Ashton’s hands has moved up to his face and he’s staring at him, hard. Luke feels butterflies in his stomach and his cheeks begin to blush a bright red but if anyone asked, he would blame it on the alcohol. 

Luke isn’t usually the vocal type but he can be rather blunt when he starts to drink and so he just continues to look at Ashton, almost daring him to do something before Luke licks his lips slightly. “Are you gonna kiss me or somethin’?” and before Luke can even laugh teasingly, Ashton’s lips are on his and his eyes widen from the shock before they flutter close. Luke moves one hand to Ashton’s curls, tugging them lightly while his other hand grips into Ashton’s shirt. And for the third time that night, Luke can’t help but think, what the fuck?


	3. i'm broken, do you hear me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this has a trigger warning in it~~ so be prepared before you read okay? okay.

Ashton wakes up the next morning thanks to the bright lights streaming through the window and he can’t even bring himself to open his eyes because his head feels like it’s about to explode. He realizes that he can’t remember anything from last night and frankly, he has no idea where he is. He rolls over so his face is buried in the pillow as he tries to slowly force his hazel eyes open. It burns like crazy and he feels like he’s about to vomit but he realizes, thankfully, that he’s in his own room. He can see Calum’s head and can hear him snoring softly over in his own bed. Ashton also notices that they’re both in their beds alone which is a good sign at the very least. Finally, he can’t pretend like he’s okay because he really has to throw him. He stands up, dizziness overtaking him as he throws himself into the bathroom, just barely making it to the toilet in time. 

“Fucking Christ.” He mumbles to himself as he wipes at his mouth quickly. He still feels like shit but at least a little bit better than he did a few minutes ago. Ashton pushes himself off his knees and rests his back against the bathtub as he tries to remember what happened, anything. He has no idea but he makes a mental note to thank Calum for getting them back to their dorm in one piece. Lord knows Ashton wouldn’t have been able to manage it. 

\-----

Ashton spends most of Sunday in bed trying to recover from his insane hangover but then Monday comes around and it’s back to classes. Thankfully, his headache is completely gone by the afternoon because he has band practice and he doesn’t think banging on the drums would help him very much. 

About halfway through practice, it becomes very apparent that Luke is ignoring him and he has no idea why. Usually, Ashton has to send him glares to keep him from looking at him or speaking. Luke doesn’t avoid Ashton, Ashton avoids Luke. And then it slowly starts to set in that Luke’s not the only one being ridiculously quiet with him. He can’t catch the eye of Michael or Calum and he suddenly feels very sick. Something must have happened Saturday night that he doesn’t remember. This is the first time all of them have interacted since that night so it’s the only thing it could be. 

As soon as practice is over, Luke runs out the door like his ass is on fire and Michael struggles after him quickly. Since when does Michael not hang around to chat? Ashton can tell Calum is avoiding eye contact with him but he has to say something to his best friend, anything, because he’s not enjoying this cold shoulder act. 

“Calum.” He starts, his fingers drumming softly on his thighs. Calum doesn’t even look up.

“Calum.” He tries again and still nothing.

“What the fuck, Calum?” He says his name for the third time, standing up to walk over to the tall brunette. “I just wanted to say thanks for making sure I got home on Saturday.” Maybe if he thanked him, Calum would stop acting like a fucking twat and talk to him. 

Calum finally sighs and turns to look over to Ashton, the brunette's heart is beating quickly because really, Calum doesn’t want to be the one to have this conversation with Ashton but he knows he owes it to his roommate and best friend. “I didn’t take you home.” Calum says with a shake of his head, making for a very confused Ashton. Well if Calum didn’t have to deal with his drunk ass, why the hell was he so upset?

“Oh, well then-” but Ashton is cut off by Calum who seems angry all of a sudden and Ashton has no idea why.

“Luke. Luke took you home, which is really surprising because anyone else would have left your ass in the street to die if you did to them what you did to Luke.” Calum’s voice is louder now and Ashton can tell he’s definitely angry, he just has no idea why. He doesn’t remember even talking to Luke at the party, much less saying something mean to him. Ashton wasn’t the nicest person in the world when it came to Luke but he had never outright said anything to offend him, had he? 

Ashton wraps an arm around his stomach as if that will stop him from feeling so sick but he knows it won’t really work. Then he brings his other hand up to run through his curls and he stares at Calum with wide, pleading eyes. “I don’t- I don’t remember anything that happened that night. I swear. What did I do?” But Ashton doesn’t know if he really wants to know what happened. 

“You kissed Luke.” And those words hit Ashton like a ton of bricks because everything comes crawling back to him and he knows for a fact he is about to throw up. He feels dizzy and he is only slightly aware that Calum has reached out to grab his arm to steady him. And just like that, the memories come flooding back.

\-----

Ashton’s been dancing with random girls all night and downing shots to keep his mind off of Luke. When he drinks, his mind doesn’t always make the best decisions but anything is better than thinking about his newest band mate. Ashton hates himself for thinking about Luke the way he does and he wants to cry. But instead of crying, he drinks more, he dances more, just to forget the pain. 

But then before he knows it, he has had one too many shots and Luke is off to the side, sipping a beer and looking so fucking gorgeous in his all black and beanie. Luke fiddling with his lip ring and it’s too much. Ashton walks up behind him and whispers in his ear. “Where’s your little boyfriend?” His words are slurred but Luke still seems to know it’s him. 

“I don’t have a boyfriend.” Luke replies, barely loud enough for Ashton’s drunk mind to hear but it’s enough, it’s encouragement and he reaches out, wrapping his hands around his small waist, needing to touch him, really touch him for the first time. 

Almost instantly though, Luke is spinning around, face to face with Ashton and Ash can’t help but smile a little smugly when Luke appears to lose his balance and leans on him for support. Ashton only tightens his grip until the taller boy is standing again and then he replies, “‘Course you do. That fucking blonde kid you’re always eating lunch with and hanging out with at the library. I saw the way he was holding your hand.” Ashton hates that kid. He doesn’t remember his name but he hates him. He hates him because Ashton sees the way that Luke looks at him. He looks at him like he knows Luke could never look at Ashton, not to mention Ash isn’t allowed to feel the way he does. It’s why he has to be drunk to not be a dick to Luke. Because if he’s not being a dick, all he wants is to stare into those perfect blue eyes and kiss his fucking face until his lip ring ends up in Ashton’s mouth. But he can’t. He’s not allowed. Those thoughts are bad. But he’s drunk and right now, he doesn’t care. 

And then Luke laughs, he laughs like it’s funny that Ashton is in so much pain, actually killing himself over the fact that he can’t have Luke the way he wants him but that other boy can. Ashton narrows his eyes and grips a little bit tighter. “Something funny?” because Ashton really has no idea why Luke is laughing and he doesn’t like it one bit. 

“Yeah, since when do you care?” the words roll off of Luke’s tongue so effortlessly as he takes another drink of his beer and Ashton can’t stand it anymore. He needs all of Luke’s attention on him because he knows this’ll probably be the only time he gets it and so he rips the bottle out of his hand, sitting it on a counter next to him and sliding it away. He doesn’t care if it falls and breaks. He just needs Luke to look at him. Ashton needs to see those bright blue eyes. He continues to stare until Luke states that he doesn’t have a boyfriend and Ashton feels his heart swell a thousand times over. Luke doesn’t seem disgusted by the idea of having a boyfriend so maybe he does like guys, maybe there’s a chance after all. So Ashton reaches up with one hand on his cheek, the other clinging tightly to his waist. He wants to kiss him, he’s been aching for it ever since the first day they met but he waits. 

“Are you gonna kiss me or somethin’?” Luke asks and even though Ashton is sure it’s a joke, he stands up a little bit taller and crashes his lips to Luke. He dives into the kiss as if it’s the only way he’ll survive because this was all he’s ever wanted and he can’t have it. Ashton is vaguely aware of Luke tightening his grip on him and pulling him closer and everything is perfect.

\-----

And then suddenly, Ashton is sixteen years old and his dad has just found gay porn on his laptop. He screams for Ashton furiously and when the boy goes up to see it playing on the computer, he cringes away from his father. He knows he should have kept it a better secret but he doesn’t see anything wrong with liking boys. His father believes differently though and the disappointment is written all over his face. Ashton doesn’t even get to say a word before his father shakes his head and walks out of the room. Just like that. There’s no explanation, none of his father saying it’s alright, Ashton can like whoever he wants. He’s just gone. 

The following week, Ashton’s at school and somehow it’s like they all know his secret. He thinks that maybe bullies have a program in their brain that tells them when someone is different. Because he gets beat up that week. Ashton walks into the house, trying to keep his head down. He has a broken nose, a cut lip and it feels like his ribs are broken from when some jock had dug his knee into his chest. Ashton’s dad doesn’t speak but Ash knows that he knows why he got beat up. He tells his mother he fell down some stairs and she doesn’t question him further but he thinks she knows too. How does everyone know what he tries so hard to keep hidden? From that moment on, he swears he likes girls even though the boy that sits next to him in class gives him more butterflies than the popular cheerleader. He says it because he knows that’s the easier route. 

That night, Ashton is overcome with pain. He can’t move and instead just lays on his bedroom floor for the rest of the night, sobbing quietly into the carpet. Liking boys is wrong, he repeats to himself over and over again. And he knows he needs to believe it with all of his heart because he just wants to be normal.

\----- 

And just like that, he’s back at the party, Luke’s lips pressed to his and grabbing frantically at any part of Ashton he can reach. Liking boys is wrong. He can hear a voice in his head even though he knows it’s not his. Maybe it’s his father’s. Or the bully from high school. Whoever it is, it makes him react. He quickly pushes Luke off of him. He’s drunk but this is wrong and he has to stop it. “Don’t fucking touch me. I don’t fucking like you, fag.” He yells even though he’s not easily heard over the sound of the music. Ashton looks in Luke’s eyes long enough to register the confusion and then the hurt as his words sink in and Ashton has to look away because the sadness is too much. 

\----

He’s gasping for air and realizes he’s laying on the ground with Calum at his side. He’s just had a panic attack and he didn’t even know he got those. Calum’s right, anyone else would have left him for dead after that but not Luke, never Luke. But then his mind remembers that he kissed Luke, he kissed a boy and that’s not allowed, he has to fix it the only way he knows how. “I’m so sorry.” He manages to mumble out before pulling himself off the floor and running to his dorm. Calum doesn’t understand, just looks at him, calling after him but Ashton doesn’t stop. He can’t. 

He gets to his dorm and locks the door before throwing himself into the bathroom, locking that door too. He realizes he’s crying as he struggles out of his jeans and sits in his boxers on the top of the toilet. He reaches into his toiletries bag and pulls out the razor that he hasn’t had to use much before this term, at least not for this purpose. 

Ashton looks down at the scars littering his thigh. Most of the old ones from when he was younger are faded. Whenever Ashton started to have bad, wrong, feelings for a boy, he would cut into his skin and make himself forget. Slowly but surely, he couldn’t deal with the pain and so he let his feelings go. He pretended to date girls and everything was fine. 

But then there are newer scars. 

One for the first day he met the nameless boy and got lost in those electrifying bright blue eyes. 

One for the day that Luke smiled at him and Ashton almost, almost gave in and smiled back at him. 

One for the day that he had went to tell Luke about band practice and he had noticed he was crying and that it was all Ashton’s fault. 

One for the day that he saw the other blonde boy holding Luke’s hand in the library. His jealousy over it had been so unbelievably high and he needed to remind himself why it was wrong.

Now, he takes the blade and carefully runs it across the skin, under the most recent cut. This one is for kissing Luke. The pain sears and he cries out through his tears, digging his nails into his other thigh to hope to relieve the pain. Then he does another one for hurting Luke because bright-blue eyed Luke doesn’t deserve it. He needs to be happy but not with Ashton. 

Ashton is straight.

That’s what he keeps repeating to himself as he passes out on the ground, a washcloth pressed to his open wounds.


	4. i loved you first

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk what this is. it's short but it's a necessary chapter. so enjoy!

Luke doesn’t know why he feels so completely heartbroken when, before their kiss, Luke had been convinced Ashton hated him. Yet, he can’t stop the pain that overtakes his chest whenever he can feel Ash looking at him at band practice and he doesn’t look back. Other than the days they have practice though, the two boys don’t see each other. It’s strange because at the beginning of the year, Luke seemed to run into Ashton everywhere and now he doesn’t. It makes him wonder if maybe his subconscious had been looking for the other boy the whole time and he hadn’t even realized it. 

“Are you gonna be okay?” the voice in the bed next to him calls out. Luke doesn’t even bother to look in Michael’s direction because he honestly doesn’t know. Luke knows he really shouldn’t be so upset over the boy who had caused such a scene and screamed obscenities at Luke the entire time he had walked Ashton back home. He really should forget about the blonde hair and hazel eyes, but he can’t. 

“I’m fine.” he finally replies after what feels like an hour. “I just don’t understand how he’s your best friend. He’s a terrible person.” Michael sighs and sits up, turning to face Luke with a small shake of his head. 

“I swear Ashton has never acted that way around someone before. He’s usually so sweet and kind. Like a little ball of sunshine!” Michael says the last part in an excited, joking voice, attempting to ease some of the tension in the room. 

His words only make Luke shoot up and look over at the, now, pink haired boy. “Are you trying to say it’s _my_ fault that he’s a giant asshole?” Luke’s eyes are wide as he stares at his roommate in disbelief. It sounds awfully accusatory. But Luke feels more upset over the fact that Ashton likes everyone in the world but him. How is that even fair? And it’s even more reason for Luke to write him off completely but he can’t. The connection he felt when they kissed had been so strong, so amazing and Luke was in far too deep. 

“No, no I’m not saying that I just...it’s weird.” Michael knows his explanation isn’t enough but he can’t think of anything to say without upsetting Luke further. 

Luke just shakes his head and throws his feet over the side of the bed. “I’m going out, don’t wait up.” One night, Ashton is shoving his tongue down Luke’s throat and the next, Luke is being accused of making Ashton an asshole. It’s not fair and he needs to be away from everyone. Well, except for the one person who would never choose Ashton over Luke. 

\------

“I don’t even understand! I don’t even like bo-boys.” Niall slurs as he takes another long drink of his beer. After deciding he needed to get out of his dorm, Luke had called up Niall who invited him to hang out with some of his friends at a bar that never carded. Even though Luke’s last experience of getting drunk hadn’t ended that well, he couldn’t think of anything else to help ease his pain a bit. 

He had just finished telling Niall about how apparently Ashton seemed jealous of him and his response causes Luke to giggle into his drink. 

“I just don’t get it! I mean he made it quite clear that he doesn’t like me, so why should he care?” Luke mumbles, shaking his head. It seems that boys make zero sense to the young blonde and he feels pretty damn screwed if he can’t even figure out his own sex. 

“Oh trust me, he cares. And he most definitely likes you.” Says the voice on the other side of Luke. Luke turns to meet the gaze of Harry Styles, one of Niall’s friends that he had been introduced to earlier in the night. Luke widens his eyes and leans his head on his hands and stares up at Harry as if he knows all of life’s answers. 

“How do you know??” He practically begs, wishing that Harry could just tell him exactly what to do to help with his problem. 

Harry just chuckles and rolls his eyes at the younger boy’s expression before looking past him to where his boyfriend Louis is dancing with more of their friends. “He kissed you for one. It doesn’t matter if he was drunk, he still did it for a reason and clearly he’s avoided you since day one because he doesn’t know what to do about his feelings.” Harry pauses to take another drink of something before bringing his eyes back to Luke. “When I first met Louis, he refused to even consider the option he was gay. And then he kissed me at a party and look at us now!” He adds on with a smile. 

Luke can’t help but to think that Harry left out a lot of important details between the first kiss and where they are now but he’s far too drunk to focus on a long story. “So what do I do?” Luke practically begs.

Harry just shrugs before saying, “Talk to him.” That seems to be the only advice Luke has gotten ever since he first met Ashton and he almost wants to punch Harry in the face for suggesting it again but of course, he doesn’t.

“Or make him jealous. Again.” Niall laughs from Luke’s other side which makes Luke turn back to his friend. That sounds like a much better alternative to simply talking, though he doesn’t really know how he’s going to go about doing that. 

Niall seems to have sensed the confusion on his face because the next thing Luke knows, Niall is kissing him and before he can pull back, he can see a flash behind his eyelids. He finally comes to his senses and moves back from Niall looking even more confused.

“Here.” Niall replies with a smile, throwing Luke his own phone back that he didn’t even realize Niall had took. “Post it on Facebook or Twitter or something, I don’ give a shit.” He adds, going back to his drink. 

Luke reaches his fingers up to his lips and is still a bit in shock that Niall has kissed him and took a picture of it. It was a decent kiss, sloppy but decent. Though it couldn’t even began to compare to the mind numbing kiss he had experienced with Ashton but, Luke is fooling himself if he thought that it might. After the shock of kissing one of his best friends wears off, he doesn’t hesitate to post the picture anywhere that he thinks Ashton or someone who will show Ashton might look. 

“That’s such a terrible and juvenile idea, Luke.” Harry says with a small smile and a shake of his curls that remind Luke way too much of Ashton. It might be a little childish but Luke doesn’t really care because if Ashton does like him, well then he should be as hurt as Luke is over this entire thing and he just hopes, prays even, that Ashton will see it. 

\-----

Ashton does see it. 

He’s laying in the bed, staring up at the ceiling when he hears Calum mumbling cuss words under his breath as he sits on his laptop. Ashton sits up and peers curiously at the brunette. “What is it?” 

Calum looks up quickly and there’s a look of worry on his face before he quickly calms his expression. “Oh uh nothing.” But Aston has been friends with Calum too long and can tell when he’s lying. So Ashton pushes himself out of the bed to go over to Calum’s who has quickly changed the tab on his computer.

“Come on, show me.” 

“No, Ash. It doesn’t matter.” But Ashton is staring at him intently and he knows he won’t go away. So he switches tabs and right there on his screen is a shot of Luke and Niall kissing. Ashton feels like he’s just been hit with a truck and he can’t take his eyes off of it. It’s like a trainwreck, he can’t look away. He says nothing and Calum quickly closes the laptop and looks up at his best friend.

“You like him, don’t you?” It comes out like a question but Ashton can hear the tone of Calum’s voice and knows that it’s meant more like a statement. Ashton has never told his best friends about his battle with his sexuality and he doesn’t want to now but just like Calum can’t lie to Ashton, Ashton can’t lie to Calum. He can’t say the words out loud, can’t admit that he’s head over heels for a boy he pretends to hate so he just nods his head. 

Calum sighs and pulls him close wrapping his arms around Ashton who starts to sob. “I just- I’ve-” he can’t form a proper sentence and Calum just continues to rub at his back softly waiting for his friend to be able to talk in coherent words. 

It’s been awhile since Ashton’s spoke and Calum is almost convinced that he’s fallen asleep in his arms but then he talks in such a quiet voice, one so unlike the bubbly, sunshine blonde he’s known for years. “I-I was always told it was wrong to like boys. It’s wrong, it’s unnatural. I tried liking girls, I swear I did Cal. I just, I couldn’t do it but I tried. And then Luke bumped into me on that first day and his eyes...oh God his eyes. And I just can’t help it. He makes me feel so…. amazing when I look at him but I know that I can’t like him so I pretend to hate him because it’s easier.” Ashton sighs in frustration as he finally brings his eyes up to look at Calum.

Calum doesn’t know what to say so he just squeezes the blonde tighter as he tries to think of the right words. “There’s nothing wrong with you, Ashton. You can like whoever you want and whoever tells you differently or doesn’t understand that… they’re just wrong. They’re fucking idiots.” Calum can see a hint of a smile in Ashton, one he hasn’t seen in so long and it warms every inch of him. Calum just wants his old Ashton back. But just like that, the smile fades away. 

“But it doesn’t matter anymore, Cal. He doesn’t like me. I ruined everything.” The picture is now burned in his brain and everytime he closes his eyes, he sees it bright as day. He lost his chance with Luke and there’s nothing he can do about.   
“You don’t know that. Just tell him how you feel.” 

Those words hit Ashton and he feels the pressure back on his chest. He can’t tell Luke how he feels. It took every inch of him to admit it to Calum. Admitting it to Luke would mean it was real and he still can’t shake the feeling of how wrong it is. “I can’t.” he finally replies and there’s something in his voice that makes Calum not want to push Ashton. So he just holds him until they both drift off to sleep but Calum’s mind is filled with his plans to bring Ashton and Luke together.


	5. heartache on the big screen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is kind of short compared to the others but it's more of a filler~ sorry it took so longgg

Luke hasn’t seen Ashton since the Niall kissing picture because he hasn’t been showing up at band practice and this frustrates Luke to no end. How are they ever going to get anywhere and do anything if their fucking drummer doesn’t bother to show up? 

“Where the fuck is Ashton?” Luke asks, just like he does everytime they start practice without the boy. Michael and Calum share a knowing look which irritates the blonde even more because yeah, he gets that they’re best friends and he’s not as close to any of them as they are to each other but still, doesn’t he deserve to know this shit?

“He’s not feeling well, we’ll just practice without him.” Michael answers the same way they always answer but this is about the fourth practice that Ashton has missed and Luke’s not dealing with it anymore. 

“No, if neither of you can drag his ass out of bed, I will.” Luke replies, pulling off his guitar and laying it in it’s case. (Not nearly as gently as he should have but he doesn’t care at the moment). 

“Luke, I don’t think-” but before Calum can even finish his sentence, Luke is picking up the case and heading for the door. He can hear Michael and Calum talking to each other but he doesn’t stick around to hear what they have to say. Instead he makes his way to Ashton’s dorm and doesn’t even bother to knock when he realizes it’s unlocked. 

He sees Ashton sitting up in his bed drinking a soda and messing with his phone but then when Ash brings his eyes up and meets his hazel with Luke’s bright blue, he nearly jumps out of his skin and spills the coke all over his pants. 

This doesn’t phase Luke and instead he just walks further into the room and slams the door behind him. “Why aren’t you at practice again?” He asks with fury, adding extra emphasis to the word ‘again’. 

“I-Shit.” Ashton starts but is interrupted when he can feel the cold drink soaking through his pants. It’s gotten on his bed sheets too so now he’s going to have to wash those. God, if Luke could ruin his life a little less, that would be great.

“I don’t feel well.” He finally finishes because well, that’s the truth. He doesn’t have the flu or anything like that but he is still very sick in a way that he can’t explain, especially not to Luke.

“I don’t care if you’re dying, you have to come to practice. It’s kind of hard to get anything done without our drummer.” Luke’s arms are crossed tightly around his chest as he talks to him in a cold manner. Luke’s never been cold with Ashton, it’s always been the other way around but he’s really given up on trying to be nice to him when clearly that’s not what Ashton wants. 

“Can you just leave?” Ashton asks as the icy chill of the drink gets even worse. He really wants to change his pants right now, as he can feel it soaking into his boxers but he doesn’t. Ashton doesn’t change in front of anyone and he certainly won’t change in front of Luke. His scars are too obvious that way. 

“Can you just come to practice?” Luke retorts, practically mocking Ashton. 

“You are the most selfish person I’ve ever fucking met. I don’t feel good, just leave me alone!” Ashton yells back, fixing him with his famous glare that he reserves just for Luke. His glare was the only way that he could hide the feelings he felt for him. This was all so messed up and complicated. When did his life get so out of control? 

“I’m selfish? You’re leaving the entire band hanging, Ashton. Get over whatever’s wrong with you and come on.” Luke is practically begging now. He just wants the band to work. He doesn’t care if Ashton hates him or regrets their kiss, he just wants the band, the only constant in his life, to work. “If this is about the party then-”

But he is quickly interrupted by Ashton’s humorless laugh. “The party? You mean when I mistook you for a girl? This has absolutely nothing to do with the party. So if you want to be a fag and make out with Niall then please, be my guest.” That word. Ashton hates that word and yet he uses it against Luke because he just wants him gone. He is being cruel and hurtful and he knows it. 

Luke recoils at the harshness of Ashton’s words. He wants to say something to defend himself but he can’t. Apparently Ashton has seen the picture but it doesn’t have his desired effect. Except it did but Ashton will never let him know that. 

“Fine, you don’t like me like that but-” Luke starts, only he’s once again interrupted. 

“Like you like that? Please. You’re a fucking clutz who doesn’t know how to kiss. I don’t like you on any kind of level. So, bye.” Ashton hates the words coming out of his mouth. But he can’t stop them. This is the way he copes and he knows seeing the hurt in Luke’s face will haunt him until later when he can draw that familiar blade across his thigh and get rid of the image. Replace it with his blood. 

Luke’s blue eyes widen before he finally looks defeated. “Fuck you, you’re a worthless piece of shit.” He finally responds, instantly regretting it. This isn’t the type of person he is. He isn’t mean. But he can’t stop the words. He takes one last look at those gorgeous curls and hazel eyes that will haunt his dreams before taking off out the door and slamming it tight behind him. 

The second Luke is gone, Ashton throws himself on his bed, completely forgetting about his wet pants and sobs. He finally got what he wanted, well more his father finally got what he wanted. Now things between him and Luke are officially done before they have even started and that’s the way he wants it to be...right? Right. He’s far too broken for a boy like Luke.


	6. a tragic story, starring you and me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm so sorry it took me forever to update <3 i have no excuse, i'm just lazy. but i've finally planned out a lot of what's going to happen next so it shouldn't take as long!
> 
> ~~~trigger warning.
> 
> i also have this posted on wattpad. under the same account name and fic name. so check that out if you'd like!

Luke is running blindly through the dorm halls, regretting his decision to leave, regretting the words he let spill out of his mouth. He collapses in the hall outside his dorm and curls his knees up to his chest, trying to get oxygen into his lungs. He can’t process that he is in love with someone who hates him so much. Luke needs to hate him too. He doesn’t know how he’s going to just switch his mind around like that but it’s the only way that Luke will be okay. But then something pulls on his heartstrings and he has the overwhelming urge to hug Ashton, to hold him tight and tell him everything is going to be alright. Apparently, his body comes to this realization way before his mind does because he’s already, slowly, making the trip back to Ashton’s dorm. He needs to at least apologize for what he said. He can try to go about his plan to hate Ashton but the band is important to Luke. He needs to fix this, someway. 

Not long after Luke left, Ashton pushes himself off his bed, tears still running down his cheeks as he stumbles to the bathroom, fidgeting with the button on his jeans. He needs his release. Ashton is a worthless piece of shit, even Luke says so. Ashton’s dad says so. Everyone says so. He’s too lost in his need to even shut the bathroom door. He just clumsily looks around for the blade that he longs for. When he finds it, he almost smiles. He needs it. He sits on the edge of the bathtub and presses the cool metal into his skin. He’s not even crying because it hurts, he’s just crying because he’s a worthless piece of shit and he deserves it. 

There’s so much blood. He pushed down harder than normal, the cut is longer, deeper. He’s feeling a bit dizzy and he slips off the edge of the tub, landing on the floor. All he can see is the blur from his tears, red from the blood, and blue from the reminder of Luke’s beautiful eyes. 

”Ash..” The sound of a voice makes him look up from his blood covered thigh and he chokes out a sob. Why is Luke here? Luke can’t see him like this. Luke already hates him enough. 

“Luke please. Go.” He manages to mumble out but Luke is moving closer. No, he doesn’t want Luke near him, he doesn’t want him to touch him. 

Luke feels like he’s going to pass out, seeing blood running on to the tile floor. Why would Ashton do this? Why would beautiful Ashton mark his body like that? Luke’s hands shake as he quickly grabs the closest towel he can find and presses it to Ashton’s leg, collapsing to the ground beside him. 

“What were you thinking? You could have killed yourself!” Luke says as he, without thinking, wraps an arm around Ashton’s shoulder and pulls him close to his chest. The loving contact from Luke is enough to make Ashton start crying harder as he tries to push Luke away from him. 

“Please, please don’t touch me.” He whines, trying to fight off the feelings and Luke at the same time. But Luke just holds him tighter, planting light kisses on the top of his head. “I don’t want you to touch me.” Ashton insists, but his voice is quieter this time at the feel of Luke wrapped completely around him. 

Luke continues to run his hand through Ashton’s hair, trying to calm him down, his own tears falling as he tries to make the blood stop flowing from Ashton’s thigh. “It’s going to be okay, you’re okay. Why would you do this?” Luke asks, though he doesn’t know if Ashton can even hear him over his own sobbing. Apparently he does. 

“Because I’m a worthless piece of shit.” Ashton gasps as he struggles for a breath. Luke feels his heart shatter into a million pieces. A lump forms in his throat. Why had he said that to Ashton? This was all his fault. Ashton had cut himself because Luke hadn’t been able to control his hurt, his anger. 

“I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean that. You’re amazing. You’re beautiful, you’re talented…” Luke nearly shouts, his arm clenching tighter around the boy next to him. “I’m so sorry.” He says once again, his tears flowing even more now. 

Ashton shakes his head, willing his tears to stop. “No, no you were right. I’m a terrible person. I’m so mean to you because --” he cuts himself off, shaking his head. “You don’t deserve it.” he adds, not wanting to finish his previous statement. He forces himself to look up at Luke. He’s made him cry. No. Hasn’t he hurt Luke enough? “Please don’t cry. Please. I’m sorry.” 

If it wasn’t for the situation they were in, Luke would have laughed. Why was Ashton sorry? Luke was the fucking idiot who had made Ashton do this to himself. He takes a deep breath and tries to stop crying because Ashton told him to. He just wants Ashton to be happy. “Why? Because why?” he asks, once he’s gotten ahold of himself. He’s dying to know why Ashton is so mean to him. That’s all Luke has wanted to know since the glares started. Since he said he didn’t want Luke in the band. His heart was aching to know the reason. He stares down at the boy in his arms, so intent to know. 

But Ashton just shakes his head, his voice faint. “I’m so tired, Luke.” He really is. Ashton’s drained after what just happened. He just wants to sleep. 

Luke closes his eyes a bit in frustration, knowing he can’t push Ashton to answer him. Not in this state. “Okay.” He responds before releasing his grip on Ashton. But instead of just helping him up like Ashton had expected, Luke picks Ashton up bridal style. 

“Luke...I can walk. It’s okay.” Ashton responds quickly. He doesn’t want to be babied. He doesn’t want to be this close to Luke because it’s making his heart beat out of his chest. But he loves the feeling. So much. But Luke doesn’t acknowledge his attempts to get away and so Ashton buries his face in Luke’s neck and lets a few tears flow because this was wrong. He wasn’t supposed to enjoy this so much. 

Luke smiles faintly at the feel of Ashton’s face buried in his neck but it falters when he feels the dampness, knowing that the boy in his arms is still crying. He doesn’t comment it on it though and lays Ashton down in the small single bed and pulling the covers over him. Ashton’s eyes are already closed and Luke figures he’s asleep. Should he tell Michael and Calum about this? They are Ashton’s best friends after all. They should know. Even if it isn’t Luke’s place, he’s going to tell them anyway. So he turns to leave but stops when he hears Ashton mumble his name. 

“What is it, Ash? Are you okay? Do you need something?” He asks, worry evident in his voice because right now, Ashton just needs some sleep. The last thing he ever expected to hear, comes out of the older boy’s mouth. 

“Stay.” 

That one word makes Luke’s heart stop beating. Staying with Ashton wasn’t going to help him get over his crush or whatever this was but Ashton needs someone right now and how can Luke walk away knowing that? So before he can talk himself out of it, he lifts the covers and climbs in next to him. He can feel a bit of wetness on the sheets and he remembers the drink that Ashton had spilled earlier but he doesn’t care. Because Ashton is pulling Luke’s hand so that Luke’s arm is resting on Ashton’s waist. 

“Asht-” Luke starts but he was cut off. Ashton seemed to do that a lot. 

“I don’t care right now. Please, hate me later. So tired. Just cuddle.” Ashton mumbles and Luke wouldn’t have been surprised if the older boy was half asleep already. With a sigh, Luke tightens his grip around Ashton’s waist and Ashton snuggles back into Luke’s chest. 

Ashton knows it’s wrong but he’s never felt so comfortable in his life. It’s not long before he passes out from exhaustion, Luke falling asleep shortly after to the sound of Ashton’s even breathing.


	7. you're the reason

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is terrible and it's a filler basically. but it'll get better after this okay~

Luke wakes up only a few hours later and it doesn’t take him long to remember where he’s at. He’s in Ashton’s bed but they’re in a different position than they were before. Instead of Luke’s arm being wrapped around Ashton’s waist and Ashton’s back against Luke’s chest, they’re facing each other and Ashton’s head is snuggled into Luke’s neck, his arm wrapped around the younger boy’s chest. Luke’s arm is draped lazily around the still sleeping boy and he can’t help but smile despite the context of the situation.

He remembers all too clearly what had happened to bring them to this place and he wishes he can’t. He wished this was just natural for them and that he wasn’t just here as a presence to make sure Ashton doesn’t hurt himself again. But it’s not.

Luke carefully unwinds his arm from around Ashton and reaches into his back pocket to retrieve his phone. It’s six in the evening. He still has homework to do and he’s also kind of afraid of how Ashton will react when he wakes up and sees Luke so he slowly pulls away from the older boy and gets himself out of the bed, satisfied when he can still hear the soft snores coming from Ashton. 

He looks around the room and spots some paper and a pen where he quickly scribbles a note. 

_Ash,_  
 _Had to get some homework done. Please, please find me or text me if you need me, for anything._ _Please don’t hurt yourself. I’m here._  
 _Love, Luke._

After looking over the note, he sighs and quickly scratches over the love part and picks up his guitar case he had brought from practice and makes his way to his own dorm room. The short walk there is consumed with thoughts about what had happened only hours before and if he should get Calum and Michael together and tell them what’s going on. They deserve to know, after all. They’re Ashton’s best friends. It only makes sense. 

When he gets to his room, he’s surprised to see Calum and Michael cuddled up on Michael’s bed watching a moving. If Luke wasn’t so into his thoughts, he might have noticed the way they exchange a look and attempt to scoot away without being too obvious. But of course, this all goes over Luke’s head. Both of the boys look up at Luke with looks that show they have tons of questions that Luke isn’t really ready to answer. He figures Calum must have come back to the room and seen Luke and Ashton sleeping and he was about to be hit with a fireball of questions. 

“Hey.” Luke says simply, setting his guitar case down by his bed and taking a seat on his mattress so that he was facing the two. They continue to stare at him as if they expect him to start talking immediately and when he doesn’t, it’s Michael who clears his throat and begins to speak. 

“So, uh - how did things go with Ash?” 

It’s the most obvious question and Luke had expected it but it doesn’t stop his hands from sweating as he looks down at the ground, avoiding eye contact. How do you tell people that their best friend was hurting himself? Luke sucks on his teeth as he tries to think of the right words to say. 

“Yeah uhm, we’re fine.” He starts off. At least that was partly true. He doesn’t feel hostile or angry anymore despite the fact that Ashton has been blowing him off the entire time they’ve known each other. No. All Luke feels is sadness. “There’s….there’s something I wanted to talk to you guys about.” He continues on, forcing his eyes to look up at his two friends and bandmates who are definitely further apart now than Luke remembers but he figures they have more important matters to deal with. 

Michael and Calum are staring at Luke so intently, worry washing all over their face because maybe they haven’t known Luke for a long time, but Luke’s never been good at hiding how he feels. 

“See the thing is…” Luke trails off once again. Can he really tell them Ashton’s secret? Something he shouldn’t even know about and something he doesn’t completely understand just yet? Luke has a chance to get closer to Ashton, to show that he can be there for him and he doesn’t want to ruin that but is it fair to put his own selfish needs above what was better for Ashton in the end? His head is swimming and all he wants to do is go back and cuddle Ashton because it’s the only thing that makes sense in his world right now. 

“Just spit it out, Luke.” Calum finally speaks up, but there’s no malice in his voice. He’s just genuinely worried about his friends. 

“I was thinking we should all go on vacation!” Luke blurts out, not even remotely sure as to where that came from. Vacation? What? What does that have to do with the problems Ashton, and indirectly Luke, were facing at this moment?

“What?” Michael and Calum ask in unison, completely floored by the direction of this conversation. That had really been the last thing they expected. But Luke is on a roll and he has made his decision to keep Ashton’s secret for now, he can’t change his mind. 

“Yeah. I mean, Ashton’s just really stressed out. I think we all are. Term is getting ready to end. We can all go on break somewhere for a couple weeks before we go home for Christmas.” Even though this is not the route Luke intended to take, it makes sense. They could bond as a band, as friends. And maybe Luke can help Ashton along the way. 

The two boys across from Luke look completely confused, but the idea of a vacation really does sound nice. Even though neither of them are willing to voice _why_ exactly they were kind of excited about it. 

“Yeah...I mean, I don’t see why we couldn’t.” Michael responds after a few minutes of silence, a small smile spreading over his face. Calum’s eyes are locked on Michael before he finally nods his head in agreement. 

Luke smiles for the first time in awhile because he needs this. He doesn’t realize that this is something everyone needs but that doesn’t matter right now. “Okay awesome! So i was thinking…”

\---------

Ashton wakes up shortly after Luke and because his bed is empty, he’s convinced that he dreamed the entire thing. Luke hadn’t walked in on him cutting. He hadn’t held him while he cried and told him he was amazing and beautiful and talented. Luke hadn’t held him in his arms until he drifted off to sleep. 

These thoughts make Ashton pull his knees up to his chest as he softly cries to himself because it had felt so real, so _right_ even if he was raised to believe differently. All he wants is Luke. He’s always wanted Luke. 

When he finally convinces himself to get out of bed, he goes to his desk to force himself to do homework. Ashton’s happy that term is over in a week because he really can’t focus on his school work anymore. When he sits down, he catches sight of a piece of paper, laying neatly on his desk. Confusion is evident on his face as he reads it over. But the confusion slowly turns into a smile as he realizes it was all real. Luke was really here. 

He moves the paper around anyway he can to try to figure out what Luke scratched out and he feels his heart race as the letters come into focus. Love. Love, Luke. Did that mean Luke loves him? Can that be true? Or is it just a habit for him to end a letter that way? Ashton sits at his desk for a full few minutes, just trying to process everything that has happened over the last few hours. What is he doing with his life? 

Before he can even begin to start focusing on his homework, Calum bursts through the door, a wide smile on his face. “You have a week to pack your shit. We’re all going to Hawaii! For two weeks!” 

Ashton stares at his best friend as if he has two heads, not at all sure what he’s talking about. 

“Stop looking at me like that, Ash. You, me, Michael, and Luke. One week. I already called your mom. Start packing.” 

Two weeks. With Luke. What was Ashton getting himself into?


	8. beside you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so wow i suck basically? this is like four months overdue and it's not even that good and it's super short and yeahhhh. but i have tons more free time and i'm going to try to update again this week with something much longer because i'm the worst and you guys deserve it. but yes, this isn't edited really at all. and i hate the present tense which is what all the other chapters were in so apologies if the remaining chapters aren't in the same tense. anyway, enjoy?
> 
> also, check out my other fanfic "i'll admit i feel alone" and follow me on twitter plsssss twitter.com/whereverjessis

The week of finals flies by for all of them and despite the fact that Luke has been through so much this semester between joining a band and having feelings for a boy who won’t admit he might like him too, Luke thinks he did a pretty decent job. At least, he didn’t do bad enough to seriously fuck up his grades and really, that’s all a freshman can ask for. 

Somewhere between cramming and test taking, Luke has managed to pack all of his bags and make arrangements (with a lot of help from his mom, thank god) so now all that’s left is to go. He hasn’t seen Ashton much since the day they cuddled and Luke found out his secret but when they do catch each other’s eye in the hallway, Luke doesn’t receive glares of death or complete avoidance, but instead small smiles and bright eyes. Luke doesn’t know what they are but he knows what he wants them to be and this vacation is his chance. 

“Yo, lover boy. You done? We need to head to the airport soon.” Michael’s voice cuts through Luke’s thoughts and he realizes he’s flipping through pictures of Ashton on the older boy’s facebook page. Wow, that’s only slightly embarrassing. 

Luke shakes his head to get out of his own little world and closes his laptop to give Michael an unamused look. “Fuck off.” He mumbles, but there’s no heat behind his words because he knows he got caught red handed and his face is blushed slightly pink. Well, at least Ashton wasn’t the one to catch him right? 

Michael just laughs and closes up his suitcase after throwing last minute things in. “What happened between you two last week? Calum told me Ashton won’t shut up about you.” Luke doesn’t think that’s necessarily true but he preens when he hears the words anyway. He knows if he tries something, something real, with Ashton, it won’t be easy. But after not being around Ash for an entire week, Luke realizes that he misses the blonde and it might just be worth it. He’s already come to terms that sleeping alone isn’t nearly as satisfying as having his arms around Ashton and that has to say something. 

“Nothing happened. We just talked, worked things out.” That isn’t exactly what happened but Luke has already decided to not tell anyone about Ash’s secret. 

“You mean fucked.” Michael corrects with a grin on his lips as he picks up his bags. The cocky smile doesn’t even disappear when Luke hurls a pillow at his face and immediately tells him to shut up. 

Laughing hysterically, the older boy manages to choke out a “let’s go.” and they head down to Calum’s car that they’re taking to the airport.  
\------

Once all the bags are loaded and Michael makes it very clear that he’ll be riding shotgun, Ashton and Luke settle into the backseat, exchanging small smiles. 

“Hey, how’ve you been?” Luke asks, just a bit hesitantly, trying to keep his eyes locked on Ashton’s instead of floating down to his covered thighs where he now knows there are years of pain hiding. 

“Good, really good. Thanks, Luke.” Ashton replies with a wider smile. To anyone else, the conversation seems harmless, general. But it’s obvious that both of them knows what Luke was actually asking and the younger boy let’s out a relieved sigh when Ash confirms that he hasn’t cut since that day. Luke doesn’t realize how worried he had been about it until he feels the knot in his chest start to loosen. He hasn’t known Ashton for long and they haven’t gotten along for the majority of that time, but there’s a bond between them now. Something that makes them closer than Luke could ever imagine. 

There’s a peaceful silence over them as Luke realizes they have just kind of been sitting there, staring at each other. It isn’t until the front doors of the car slam shut that they both snap their attention away from each other, a small blush rushing over Luke’s cheeks. 

“So, Luke, you never denied it. Just so you know.” And then Luke is blushing bright red because he knows Michael is referring to their conversation earlier about him and Ashton fucking and Luke sneaks a glance at Ashton who’s staring at him in confusion. 

But before Luke can say anything, Calum speaks up from the front and Luke realizes Michael must have told him what they were talking about. “It’s alright, Ashton didn’t deny it either.” And then Ashton is choking on air next to him and his face is turning bright red too. For some reason, it makes Luke feel better that Calum and Ashton must have had a similar conversation over the past week. 

“Nothing happened.” Both boys in the back finally manage to speak up at the same time as the two in the front start cracking up. 

Maybe this vacation was a bad idea. 

\-----

The ride to the airport was surprisingly… normal. They talked and sang along to the radio like they had known each other for years and this was just an everyday thing for them. Luke loved it. 

But now they’re sitting on a plane that’s about to take off and Luke is freaking the fuck out. He’s never been a fan of planes and the few times he’s had to be on one, he’s always had his mom to hold his hand. (So he’s a bit of a momma’s boy. Sue him) But now it’s just him and Michael on one side of the aisle and Calum and Ashton on the other side. The voice of the captain comes on over the intercom, telling them to prepare for take off and Luke can’t _breathe_. He really should have thought about this part of the vacation when they were all excitedly making plans. 

“Luke? You okay?” Michael’s voice sounds far away and since his eyes are closed, he could be on the other side of the plane for all that Luke knew. He opens his mouth to respond that he’s fine, just a little terrified of you know, crashing and dying, but he can’t get any words out and instead focuses on catching his breath. 

Michael brings one hand up to Luke’s shoulder, leaning down to try to catch Luke’s attention but it’s not working. Mike glances to the other boys who are both looking at him with concern. All he can manage is a shrug of his shoulder and wide eyes, asking for help. 

“Switch me seats.” Ashton says after a moment, quickly unbuckling his seat belt just as the seat belt light turns on. A flight attendant gives him a disapproving look but he just smiles his dimpled smile and quickly switches with Michael. 

Once he’s next to Luke, he quickly rebuckles and turns to Luke, placing both hands on Luke’s face. 

“Luke. Open your eyes.” His tone is soft and gentle but it’s demanding enough that Luke feels like he has no choice but to obey. He had been kind of in his own little world a moment ago but he quickly recognizes that that’s not Mikey’s voice or his hands and his eyes snap open quickly. 

“You need to breathe. Just calm down and you can fall asleep on my shoulder, okay?” Luke slowly nods his head and focuses on nothing but deep hazel eyes. He realizes that Ashton is breathing with him, taking exaggerated breaths to emphasize what Luke knows he should be doing. 

He tries to copy it the best he can and before he knows it, he’s breathing somewhat normal. A small smile comes over Ashton’s face and Luke smiles back automatically. Even though he knows he’s okay right now, he takes a few moments longer to just enjoy the feel of Ashton’s hands on his face, their eyes locked together and Ashton showing concern for him instead of the other way around. 

Calum and Michael are basically speechless as they stare at the other two boys. There was something more between the two of them and whatever it was, Calum and Michael wanted them to explore it more. They were just so cute together. 

“Thanks, Ash.” Luke finally says and Ashton nods, withdrawing his hands from Luke’s face. Luke would be lying if he said he was happy about that change. 

“I gotta save the day sometimes, it can’t always be you.” Ashton whispered for only Luke to hear before he wrapped his arm around the shoulders of the taller boy. Luke’s head immediately fell down to rest on Ashton's chest and he drifted off to sleep with no worries about crashing because he was safe in Ashton’s arms.


End file.
